I really need to start writing more regularly. I Don't write as much as I used to or even as much at I want to. I miss writing, I know that I have been super busy lately but it's not even that. I feel there's an elephant in the room and if I write about anything else it would not feel honest or true.
I guess the thing on my mind is pretty obvious.... Marriage.
With two weddings this month and one next, (and that's just in my immediate circle of friends). The topic of weddings has been at the fore front of conversations lately (and by 'lately' I mean for months and months...)
I guess what annoys me the most about the constant talk about this is not that we are talking about Marriage. But that we are talking about weddings. The rings, the ceremony, the cost, the colour of the bridesmaids' dresses etc etc etc
I know that these people are serious about what it actually means to be married (well I think/hope so) But it has been annoying me so much. I am so not a detail orientated person. And over the years I have though very little about my wedding (if I am to ever be married) About 2 years ago the extent of my thinking was; in a church with all my family and friends, 6 months ago it was I want to marry my best friend and now the whole thing is way too scary.
The thought of pledging my whole self, to spending the rest of my life with someone actually terrifies me. I will admit that at this stage of my life I don't want to be married. I mean I'm not taking it off the table and swearing a life of celibacy and poverty. (Although thinking about it, life in a convent is preferable to crazy cat lady.....) But seriously when you speculate about your future when you're younger I don't think you think much about the weight of what being married really means. I mean I'm just not sure that the whole thing is for me. (I am totally not sure about this, my feelings on the subject change daily, hourly sometimes..) I am too stubborn, too selfish, too independent, too proud, too too many things that would not make a good wife... etc. (Yes I am aware of how reduculous that sounds..)
I guess one of the main things I struggle with is that people often look at being married as the goal. Like it's the 'next stage of life', tick that box, pass go and you're on the road to life. And those that are married, see single people as those to be pitied, I dread the day when relatives or friends start saying "Why are you still single"? (Like being Single is a disease) What does that even mean? I'm not even going to touch on the ways that the things that that implies annoy me. (I hope that made sense.)
I find the whole concept big and scary and confusing. Please don't be confused with my feelings about myself being/getting married and my opinions on marriage itself. I love the concept of marriage! So much, I really think it is a beautiful gift from God and a wonderful way for two people to express their love for each other in the way that God intended (yes I'm talking about sex) and live their lives together in service of God.
I mean I know that there are people who choose to live their lives as single people in order to serve God, I personally think that's great. I mean Paul was single and look at the amazing work he did for God. (I also feel that's the most over used example in the book) But the flip side of that is I Think that people think those people are just conceding to being single. But yeah um.... Bleh My brain is a big confusing mess right now.....
Apologies I have all these thought about this and they are all jumbled about in my head at the moment and with my friends wedding on Saturday, I feel like I have not done my thoughts and feeling about this justice. I sincerely apologise if I have offended anybody unintentionally I really just needed to get my thought about a little I am sure I will revisit these topics in the future.
